Reflections

My mother is beyond excited because my brother is getting married. I have to admit it is pretty exciting as well. I am glad my brother finally found the one to complete him. One thing I am not looking forward to is our father being in the mix. Long story short my dad contacted me back in 2011 I believe ( as he contacted all my siblings or called their mothers to get in contact) that he was having a heart procedure. My dad has never been one to make the best choices but I felt bad. He ended up having a major heart surgery and I went to see him at the hospital. He ended saying some unforgiveable things and that was it. I had said it many times before this time I was done.   I walked out of that hospital and never looked back. Almost four years later I don’t have the pain of constantly rehashing why my dad always treated me badly, made me feel like I was never loved or wanted. For years I blamed myself that maybe if I didn’t come along my dad would not have left. Jim would not have been left to be the man of the house and my poor mother would have not endured years of being the single parent who did everything to make ends meet. But no my dad being the man that he is had to go and live with his girlfriend while my mom was carrying me. Who the hell does that? But that is the magic of getting rid of the toxins in your life. Plain in simple- after he said what he said I just did not love him anymore. I honestly don’t think I ever did. Sad but it is what it is.

So getting back to my brother getting married. My mom has mentioned that perhaps Jim will want him at the wedding. I am hoping that isn’t the case. Jim made a comment the other night that perhaps my dad left because he couldn’t handle another kid. Rewind! He already had a wrap sheet of cheating on his first wife and abandoning his children from his first marriage. Talk about traumatizing my half siblings. Then he marries my mom and does the same shit. I was the kicker that came along that I guess he realized he just could not handle it according to Jim. Much love to my brother and maybe he feels bad but I hope Jim wakes up and smells the coffee. The guy is a dirt ball blame and simple ( just wait to I get to go what he did to my oldest sister).

My dad blames everyone for everything that went wrong in his life but himself. He sits there and thinks that he was this outstanding father and deserves an award. Bullshit! I did not attend my second oldest sister’s wedding and to this day I feel bad. I never brought it up to her because I only feel that it would just make her rehash it. I am sure she knows that I am sorry but I would like to think she has forgiven me.  She married now to a wonderful guy and has two beautiful children. But after that I somewhat lost touch this them.

In 2010 my dad left me a message that my oldest half sister had died. I use to write my sister letters but I never got to read them to her. She was disabled but she had a smile that could light up the room! My dad over the years had told me he did not know where she was. She was put in a home where she could get around the clock medical care. How the hell do you not know where your child is ( no matter the age) Nope not him! He use to sit back in his chair the like the poor girl didn’t even matter. Then I found out from her mother ( we had the same father but different mothers) that he did know where she was and my other sister told me he knew where she was as well. How low is that? You lied to me all these years and I never got to say goodbye to her. Yep that is another thing I just cannot forgive.

For a man to treat his disabled daughter who never did a freaking thing wrong to another soul- yep he threw her away like garbage. But he is a good man remember!

Each time I attend church and the father states “for the times we failed to forgive” the parish responds Lord Have Mercy. I am constantly in conflict.

Yes please Lord have Mercy- because I will never ever forgive dirt bag for what he did to me, my mom especially, my brother, his family, my two sisters and their mother. I just cannot know how someone can go through life thinking they are a good person when they have hurt so many people along the way.