So I went to confession yesterday and the Father suggested as part of my repentance – I sit in silence and think of my all blessings. I do have a lot to be thankful for and like every other human I throw myself pity parties once in awhile. Let’s face it everyone does that and if a person claims to never do that. They are lying! I was looking at my Facebook feed- and low and behold a picture of my half brother friend’s wedding pops up. There is a picture of my dad and his wife. I sat there in amazement and thought to myself- I cannot believe he has the audacity to step foot in a church. I admit I make mistakes and I will be the first to admit sometimes my mom or friends need to put me in check. But my sperm donor father is another story. That man has caused all sort of havoc in people’s lives and I am sure he ain’t done yet. He never has admitted he is a bad father for one to all his many children except one. He wife is a dingbat who has her head in the clouds. I remember one time reading her journal and she has my dad was very critical of her. Who would have thought that. He has been critical of people his whole life from what I have experienced and dealt with first hand. Looking at the picture really irritated me and it only made repressed memories surface to make it not for a very good evening. Any who sometimes writing helps get your feelings out.
Concerned
I have a pretty healthy relationship with L. Where there is love- there is love. L keeps balanced and always is honest with me. He calls me out when I think I am right- when I am really wrong. We went to a restaurant this weekend and the waitress started crying due to a manager yelling at her. I said something because it was not right. People working minimum wage jobs should not be treated like shit because they forgot the joint did not have French dressing for L’s salad.
Lately, I think L has been super down. I wish I could help him. He lost his sister and I don’t believe he has come to terms with it. Sometimes I think he thinks life is hopeless and that makes me sad. I don’t like people feeling bad or struggling with issues. I try to be there but he is very old school. Set in his ways, I want to be the type of person that is there for people no matter what. This week I have been really feeling sad that I lost my friend Frannie back I. July. Sure do miss her.
Feeling down wishing I could make L or myself not so sad. I wish more friends would reach out to him to let me know they care. He seems to avoid people because of his depression.
Forgiveness and Acceptance
I use to walk by the gym he worked at- I was 23. He always said hello and tried to get me to stay. He was from New York and we hung out a few times. Little did I know his tongue would spew hurtful things that would forever change my life.
I believe it was 2016 and I had found him on Facebook. He wanted me to pack up and leave Cleveland, and I was in no position to leave. Anywho- he said some pretty awful things. Things saying he hope I died and join my sister in the ground. How can someone forgive such hurtful things?
He tried reaching out to me on Facebook- to calm the tide. But the damage is done. I have forgiven him and accepted what he has said and done. But ever letting someone like that back in my life who is so harsh and crude. No thank you!
Some people are friends of the heart – while others are friends of the road. This person is a friend of the road. I haven’t blogged in a long time. It feels good to get everything out.
Minor Detours
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Life has been challenging these past few months. However, I have never blamed anyone. Sure there are days I am tired and have resentments. We all have a right to feel the way we do. A life coach told me a few months back if you are always the one who has the problem- then you are the problem. I stand by this motion that somedays we have to see our lives for what they really are. It is not always an easy thing, but for good life support it is crucial. I surround myself with positive people who seek to make the world a better place. My friends have helped me get through the few months and I am happy to have them in my life!
Protected: It is what it is!
Life is moving right along!
Let me dust off the shelf. Okay that is better. I try so hard to write on my blog but life has been so busy. I am finishing up with my fifth to last class from finishing my second masters. Excited you can say that. It has been a long road and time well spend. The thing about graduate school while attending at least it is never ending. Often many try and I give them props ( hell there were times I thought about giving up) but it is not for everyone. You have to be completely committed and have excellent time management skills. Trust me it is not easy and people often ridicule those who fail out of graduate school. But unless you attend it you would never understand.
The apartment is nice and cozy. I adopted two cats named Rosie and Lily. Love them and they are great company. It is so nice to have a nice two bedroom apartment in the city. I love and embrace urban living. Extremely different from suburbs and I love the living on the east side better than the west side of Cleveland. It has been a work in progress and it took awhile to unpack but nonetheless it is home for now.
Work- Going great as usual. Our busy time is coming up so looking forward to impacting lives and promoting my organization at community events. I am not too sure I will traveling as much as I did last year. Time shall tell! My year review is coming up! Show me the money! I have earned it damn straight!
Well moving also comes with changes in relationships. That is all I will say for now. While you may love someone to the moon and back does not mean you can necessarily be with them. Friends you thought would call and see how you are doing never do. I guess that is life- ah well time to have more coffee and suck it up.
Sleep apnea and chronic pain have been the main bitches in my life. I have a sleep study (again) coming up and I am getting tested for fibromyalgia. I cannot sleep and I am constantly exhausted. So there has been some ups and downs in the health department with minor aggravations. But I am trying to take care of it so I just tell myself that. I am sure I will be getting a cpap machine again yet with a new mask.
Vacations- I have to buy a new car so Europe will have to wait another year. But I am going to Vegas in April. Plus I am not sure where else I will visit. Maybe I will just stay home and absorb the beauty of fall of Cleveland. Plenty of stuff to do here.
Many people ask me if I get lonely living alone. I say no. I mean let’s face it we as humans all get lonely. However, overall I keep myself busy trying to get stuff done or clean my apartment or spend time with my cats. So when I start to feel lonely I try to find something to do or I go to my Iheartradio app and listen to the music of my friends. They help me get through.
Well that is all for now. Does anyone read this?
Protected: He is wasting his time!
Figures he would!
Ahhhh- so all have been quiet on this suburban front as far as family drama- oh except my cousin being a wussy. 37 years old and texts my mom inviting me to her daughter’s birthday party. Really? I text her that she needs go directly to the horse and I have no time to see her or her kid(even though I adore her daughter and my anger my cousin has nothing to do with her). I declined the party as I don’t have time for her shit because she lied to me and took my sister in law’s side. But that is another story.
I guess my brother has been asking a whole lot of questions about how I am doing and what I have been up to. I finally told my mom – tell him to quit asking. He wants to know how my job is doing (well great I am excelling and I am making good money with excellent benefits) don’t dare asking how much. He keeps asking my mom where I am moving and to be honest- I did not tell my mom but I was super ticked that she told him. I don’t want people knowing where I am moving. I am moving to Cleveland and I love my mom dearly but she has always been inclined to tell people everything. I made it clear she is not permitted to tell him my salary and I think she got the hint because I was pretty ticked she told him where I am moving. So to my lovely sister in law- no my mom did not pay for my security deposit nor did she sign my lease. She did not buy my new living room set or give me money to pay my rent. And if she wants to know- I have all my cleared rent checks from the bank if you want me to mail you copies. My mom bought me a vaccum and television a total of 250 bucks lady- oh and a few odds and ends. Thanks Mom! and I am most appreciative but just as I do not know their personal fiances nor do I care. To best honest the first time I thought about my brother was a few weeks ago- when it was his birthday. The day before I saw him briefly- you could tell he wanted to say something but didn’t. I just paid him no mind and went ot my room. My thought for the day was happy birthday asshole.
I paid for my entire vacation which cost me an arm and a leg but hey I enjoyed my time with my mom before I move out. I even paid for my own vacation to Arizona. Holy shit who would have thunk it.
Now I freely admit- I am a diva and a princess. I am a leo and I usually always get my way. If I don’t it upsets me. But I am also a good person and a very kind person. I often make excuses and try to solve other people’s problems.
So getting back to my brother. I believe he wants to try to mend the relationship. He had his chance. I simply was pushed too far. I mean don’t get me wrong I love him- nothing will ever change that but really want nothing to with him as long as he is married to that bitch wife of his. Here are some of the the things I have done for this man.
- Over the course of time- drove all over town picking him up from bars when he was too drunk to drive. If I found him that was pure luck- other than that I spend many hours going from bar to bar to find him.
- Writing letters to judges and the courts on his behalf to get driving privileges back or off probation.
- Helped him with him homework and with research on several occasions.
- Had to almost physically fight off one of his girlfriends who showed up at his apartment when I was watching it. She told me to get the hell out because her and her friend and some strange guy they were with wanted to crash there. I ended up calling the cops and he then broke up with her that but she sent me several harassing messages on facebook.
- Wrote a letter to a senator on his behalf to get him honorably discharged from the Army.
- Was woke up several times in the middle of night when he had a physical or verbal altercation with one of his then girlfriends. Nothing like being woken up in the middle of night by the cops to have to go pick him up.
- Having to track down my mom( one time on vacation) because he was arrested for either driving under influence of alcohol or domestic violence.
- Drove him back and forth to work, school, aa meetings and several other places when he was on probation.
- Helped him apply to school and obtain services from the V.A.
- He slept with several of my female friends behind my back- when I constantly asked him not too hit or do anything with my friends. He left them all with broken hearts and caused friction between me and my friends.
- Had to downright lie to one of my professors when an assignment was due. I was almost finished and then brother had phoned my mom that he was drunk down at his holiday party which made him too drunk to drive. I had to go pick him up.
- He disrespected and embarrassed me when we were at our cousin’s rehearsal dinner and he decides to go home with a lady he befriended. Needless to say he was gone the whole night and returned early morning banging on my hotel room to let him in his room.
- Treated my mom like shit and took her for granted several times. Made her cry and sick with worry.
- Allowed his now wife to completely disrespect my mom and I because stood up to her for her being rude to my mom.
- Threatened to physically assault me and called me the b and c word to boot.
- Continually told me how fat I was- really I didn’t know that!
- Had me constantly take care of my mom when he was either too drunk or not around when my mom had medical problems.
- Bringing home bimbo home to my mom’s home who was in my bathroom smoking. I kicked her ass out real quick.
- Almost breaking a window in my old car when he was yelling at me when he was drunk- I am not sure I remember if he was being picked up from somewhere( I also use to have to go get him at random places to women he befriended at bars
Those are just some the great things that my brother has put me through!
Ahh love.
He says no but I think he did not want to hurt my feelings. I misplaced a business card that L had obtained at the airshow and though he denies it. I think he was pissed. I mean I know he knows it was not intentional but it happens. I emailed the guy asking him for another card. But I went home feeling terrible and guility because I know how much he was upset. Not really anything I can do. I went through my car and up down and threw away some long waiting trash – like old papers and mail. I have more to do but I was in a time crunch. I did throw an old pair of shoes- I have been meaning to pitch. I finally found them in my car and when I was as the gas station- away they went into the trash. I did get a lot of stuff thrown away this week and I shredded a lot of stuff like old legal docs and doctor bills. I have to go through my old clothes and donate some to the City Mission in downtown Cleveland.
Right now I am at work- it is a hot one out here but soon enough fall will be here. I truly look forward to this upcoming time of year. I love the smell of fall air and pumpkin spiced lattes at Starbucks. I am really digging this history of education class. I even ordered the professor’s book- he lives in Southest, Ohio. Pretty cool guy. I appreciate his feedback and politeness. He said he really appreciates my insight on history and perspectives on education. He even said he knows I will go far in the educational field. I appreciate professors encouraging me like that. Anyway I must run!
Labor Day Weekend!
Had an excellent time with L this weekend. We went to The Cleveland Internatonal Air Show. We walked around and naturally L made friends with a gentleman who owned the infamous Bat Mobile. I took a picture which you can see here.
This guy’s name is Eugene. Nice guy- we liked him a lot. We got a lot of sun and we were both wiped out today. I went for a massage and then came home and just went to sleep. L called asking what I am doing tomorrow but I may just bum around the house. It is nice to be able to relax since I was able to finish my homework earlier this weekend.
Right now the laundry is going and I am just trying to figure out what housework needs to be done. I will probably vacuum and run the dishwasher. Other than that mostly everything is done. I might see if I can get my hair done tomorrow – I usually go to my mom’s friend but for the sake of having to work some more late nights- I might just up the ante to phony up the dough and treat myself to a spa day. My hair needs to be dyed, cut, and my eye brows need to be done. I guess I am high maintenance but hey gotta do what makes me happy
On another note and many disagree- I think Trump will get elected. I know I am for sure not voting for him. My friend turned me on to Gary Johnson- I like his position and will vote for him as a write in. L seems to think Hillary is the answer and I have to admit at first I was for her- but the more I dug the less I found I would want her to represent our great country. I think she is a phony and as much as I would love a female president. She is not the answer.
I am taking a World of History of Education course- and I really do like it. Very interesting and the reading is actually enjoyable. I am more than half way through my program- I believe I have 5 more courses after fall term.
Some of my fall goals are to focus more on on creative writing. I submitted some poems a few days ago. Alas- we will see. Poetry is not something you master – at least to me anyway. It is craft that one has to constantly adapt to- and hone the skill.
justagalblogging 